As you can see; my weight fluctuates dramatically. I cannot exercise either due to weakness, tachycardia and blacking out when I strain myself.

End of 2016- 135

1 month into treatment in 2017 – 110

End of 2017 – 130

Beginning of 2018 – 170

End of 2018 – 110

January 2019 – 110

March 2019 – 180

May 2019 – Now losing weight again and currently 170

You might say, oh 170, 180 , girl I wish I was that. Um no. First of all, stop with the competition, self pity crap because I always get that when I post, it’s like a competition of, “well if that’s all, you’re lucky look at x y z”

Second of all, I am four eleven. Yes. Four eleven. Probably shorter now because I can’t stand straight anymore and my back curves. 180 at my height is literally the beginning of morbidly obese 😅 I should be max 110.

Now, I have struggled a LOT with self esteem this past two years of treatment because of what my disease has done to my body. It ruined my skin, is ruining my teeth, ruining my body by swelling so much that even XL outfits will get circulation cut off, but when the swelling is gone , my small and medium outfits fit!

Before I was sick and a bit on the heavier side, I was rocking the weight , not giving a damn about a little extra pudge, but also motivated to be “healthy” as well.

My disease has taught me A LOT of self awareness and shown/forced me to accept that you know what, sometimes our bodies get a little out of whack, and sometimes they get a lot out of whack. It’s taught me a lot and challenged me to love myself regardless of size even when I look AND feel my worst, if that makes sense?

I have never “fat shamed” others, and I have always prided myself in lifting both men and women up despite any imperfections they may see/feel about themselves, I have never said all that crap about weight that some people say about other people. But I have found myself on and off fat shaming myself and REALIZING that I have been so hard on myself even though it truly is out of my control.

I’m not really sure what the purpose of this post is about, because I am just thinking and writing as I go versus taking the time to think then write, but in some ways I thank my disease cause it’s challenging me to be kinder, or at least TRY to be kinder on myself mentally.

As long as I’m in little to no pain (right now the swelling and fluid retention is very painful for me which is why I’m really trying to find a way to help my weight go down instead of waiting for my body to decide to stop being crazy) I am trying to be as kind to whatever this disease throws my way in a visual sense. It can be challenging when I can see that my skin is expelling toxins and is now bumpy and rugged. It can be challenging when I see how swollen my face gets especially since I don’t have hair now to “hide” the swelling anymore. It can be challenging to open up my camera and for the first time ever see rolls on my chin and feel the need to angle myself to hide it. It can be challenging to not want to take photos of myself with friends and loved ones because I see all my imperfections, BUT still wanting to and still taking photos so that I can have those memories anyways.

I’m really trying to just remind myself that It really isn’t me causing all these strange changes to my body , and to just “work it “ like I used to.