In 2018 I posted this on my private page, but I still mean every word I said. It can be exciting to reread old posts and diaries and see just how much you have grown since that post. I have grown tremendously in three years and I am proud of that.

Three years ago today, I nearly succeeded in ending my life. The first time I tried, I got very very drunk, and was going to go to the woods or somewhere far away and do it . I ended up becoming too drunk to carry it out. A week later, I had stopped eating, stopped drinking, and had taken pills. By the time I arrived to the ER, I was vomiting blood, all my labs were critical, and I was taken to the ICU. Eventually, I stabilized and was moved in the psych wing, where my journey to healing began. I had completely lost function of my legs, but doctors couldn’t understand why, so for nearly the entire week I was there, I was in a wheelchair. I learned so much during my time there, and it was only the beginning of a long, exhausting journey I soon would find was due to the Lyme disease causing lesions in my right temporal lobe, which controls your personality. My once never broken mind and spirit could no longer handle overwhelming stress, and the lesions, we learned a year later, and all that is lyme, along with the stresses I was under, is truly how it all went wrong. Sometimes, it is depression, sometimes it is a hidden diagnosis and the depression, the paranoia, the almost thirst filled need to make everything stop, is because there is something going on medically. When I look back now, I am grateful for my experience. The results after my attempts were catastrophic. I lost absolutely everything. My home, my children, my sense of purpose. It was hell to overcome that. To rise up again and restart from scratch. But I will say this, it pains me to know that, if I had just taken a moment to connect the dots, maybe I would’ve gotten to a doctor earlier. Perhaps, just perhaps, I wouldn’t have ever gone through it, and put others through the agony of what I did. I am grateful for the many people I met, whether it was fleeting, or a blossoming friendship, because of my attempt. I learned who my true friends were, and learned who never had really cared. There were so many lessons I learned following all that happened. I wouldn’t say I wish it never happened. I do wish it never happened, but I have become so blessed, so softened, so empathetic, and have calmed down so much in my demeanor ever since.

Today, I smile because, in a way, today was the day I was given another chance, today, I was reborn and given the opportunity to change, to become better, to do better, to live better. I could never have learned all I did without going through it .

I’m glad I’m still here. And I know, I know maybe this disease may cut my life short, perhaps even abruptly, but I am here. I am alive. I may not have a great quality of life at times due to it , but I am truly grateful that my story didn’t end April 10, 2016.

I am not afraid of my story. I am no longer ashamed of it either. I share in hopes that it makes someone feel less alone, maybe question a decision they have been thinking of, perhaps it’ll make someone reach out harder. I share because I hope, and pray, it is seen by those who need to see something and need to know they aren’t alone. I love you all, and know it is truly , without a doubt, never a bad thing to reach out. Reach out if you need to. You are loved. You are cared about. You deserve this life. You will overcome.